“What’s my brand? I need to figure out my brand!!!” the kid was telling me. I remember that, when I was a teen, these same questions would eat up at me.
Who was I going to be? A good girl? A rebel? A tomboy? A nerd?
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“Because it is my name! Because I cannot have any other!”
My guy is an actor who performed for years in theatre, and this quote from The Crucible by Arthur Miller might be his favorite one. It makes me quietly chuckle when, each time we touch upon the subject of loyalty to oneself, he utters this sentence.
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There are many things about not having children that makes life an entirely exhilarating experience. An unadulterated sense of freedom, a ready access to peace and quiet.
It’s getting clearer and clearer that I’ll probably never be a mother, and it’s surprising to me – I am not sure how and why it happened, because unfortunately, I was never blessed with one of these profound “no kids for me!” instincts. I was never one to dream about motherhood either.
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I was woken up at 5am by a Tui bird singing so loudly, but so happily that I couldn’t really get mad at him. Since then he’s gone to bed, and now I am the only person up in the whole of New Zealand scrolling down my phone watching the sun rise as I am (still) trying to make something out of the year 2020.
Don’t hold your breath, because I absolutely can’t. But it’s okay, nobody knows what to think or where to go either.
I love this suspended week, the one right before the new year. If I am able to, I take a lot of time for resting and contemplating on the year past. I write, I sleep, I have conversations with my friends.
Then I dream about what the new year could be.
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My mother first set foot in France when she was fourteen, all skinny, curious and scared, hiding in my grandmother’s skirts. They came from Algeria a few years after the liberation, to find work and hope. My grandmother was tall and funny, and all she wanted was to make an honest living to see that her daughter and her son would have better lives than her own.
They settled in Corsica, where the first generation of immigrants from Maghreb were already making an impression.
We had waited so long until we fell into each other’s arms. When it finally happened, I couldn’t have imagined anything more sensual. So this, this was what making love really was.
We moved in together. We were young, aroused and adventurous.
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“It’s okay to feel sad”, my friend Heidi was telling me the other day. Which I felt was the softest and most thoughtful thing a friend could tell me.
Things have been… Uneasy, lately. The year 2020 keeps challenging us, moving us and pushing us to our limits. Wherever we are in the world we can feel the thin layer that’s separating us from the chaos.
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