L’île

Unfortunately, not that type of hot, seeing as the children are here, and I have an absolute terror of getting caught in the act*. It is hot because we’re going through a heat wave, and we do not have air con, or a pool, or the beach, and I feel like my much gloated about glorious London summer has completely let me down.

Here I was bragging back in March, saying things like “Why would we summer** anywhere else than London?

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About a year ago, I came off my antidepressants.

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O, blissful days of my youth, happy days where I wasn’t aligned, didn’t have boundaries, and considered my body as everything but a temple, abandoning it to entire weekends of endless festivities, emotional and physical promiscuity, as well as, of course, eating toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

O, how I miss you, my darling years. Why did I ever grow up? Why did I ever learn about self-care, inner work, and proper nutrition?

“Do you know what my ex told me the last time we spoke?” I was telling my friend. “He said: “You are the best woman I’ve ever had. You’re the only one who loved me the way you did. With you, I felt like a man. I felt like I could do anything. Losing your gaze was losing everything.”

“I was like, what the fuck, how about YOUR love for ME?”

Life is all about what you make of it, and that weekend we had decided to make it sexy. We had booked a very nice hotel in the city and had left the dog to a friend. We had planned on some art galleries and a long walk in the neighbouring park.

I was looking forward to this. I had always watched with envy those sophisticated urban couples who revel in culture and fine meals and walk by you, absorbed in some fascinating conversation.

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I was walking down the bright streets of New York City like I owned them.
I felt great, confident. I was a woman with a place to go.

That’s when I started sensing that something had changed. There were so many of them. Women with grey hair. They owned the streets.

BUT FIRST, coffee A DISCLAIMER.
(The below is not the subject of this letter; I’m just giving you a bit of context)

I felt the energy the minute I exited JFK. Like a dip in a cold plunge, my body tightened and my mood lifted. I slammed the yellow cab door and was on my way.

As we approached the tunnels and the bridges to Manhattan I saw the grey skyline clashing against the cloudless blue skies. Here it was again—the unbearable beauty of New York City. 

Its radiance, its verticality, and its depth.

I decided to cancel my afternoon plans. I’d just walk around and take it in.

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